Author Archives: authorbengarrido
Power and Persuation
Query: Of what importance is goodness in the weak? The righteously ineffectual fall like all the rest. in reply “Hence it comes about that all armed Prophets have been victorious, and all unarmed Prophets have been destroyed.” – Nicollo Machiavelli Query: The most useless of our philosophers are fond of saying ‘great men are almost […]
Break Time, A Love Letter to Yoon-mi on her birthday.
Annyeong Jaggi, I’m on break. You know how humid it gets in Geumsan. I’d love to shower but I’ve got to visit the security office. The security ajeoshi smokes and he’s old and he wants my foreigner card. He wears anti-tanning arm protectors so his skin won’t get dark. This is ridiculous – his skin […]
Using the Internet to Diagnose Myself Via the Notoriously Precise Science of Dream Analysis
I recently realized that I’m living a repressed, empty life of debauchery, gluttony and uncontrollable bellybutton lint. As such, I’ve abandoned all my “intellectual” pursuits in order to immerse myself in the new age. No more philosophy. Plato is dead to me. Science holds no more charm. You can no longer lead me astray with […]
Anti-Asian Article From 1900
This is a challenge for my readers – an intellectual exercise. Regardless of whether you are pro-immigrant or not, and regardless of where you are from, I’d invite you to try and make an anti-immigrant argument that doesn’t follow the form of this hilariously dated and super racist article from the height of the Yellow […]
How I Loved Justice and Hated Humanity and Why it Made Me Miserable
Growing up, I was kind of a golden boy. My teachers thought I was smart and respectful. Strangers complimented me for being honest and polite. Friends thought I would be a big success. I had a family I could – and did – brag about. Society liked me and I liked society back. We had […]
Murrietta the Moral Fights Corporate Greed, Part 1
Murrietta the Moral has a problem. Her boss, Maurine the Mercenary, wants to develop the idyllic Bullseyesian tribe’s land for Capitalism Berry farming. She thinks that by cozying up to corporations, she can increase the province’s tax revenues and help out under-funded schools. Oh, the naivete. The corporate exploitation of indigenous peoples’s resources has always […]
Murrietta the Moral Fights Corporate Greed, Part 2
Part 2 (click here for part one) As Fred Freedom and Murrietta the Moral celebrate, a furious Maurine the Mercenary gets on the phone with Danielle Demonic, CEO of Bastards Inc. “Danielle,” Maurine says. “I am going to develop that damned land. No way in hell I continue to under-fund our provinces’ schools because we’re […]
Murrietta the Moral Fights Corporate Greed, Part 3
Part Three (click here for part two) Johnny Von Crime sat in his house watching the news about Bastards Inc being removed from Bullseyesian territory. The thought of all those Capitalism Berries going to waste moved him near to tears. If somebody with real stones moved in, there’d be a fortune in black market Capitalism […]
A Little Teaser of Things to Come
My little 2002 Hyundai, it seems, has a turbocharger in its future. Also! Horrifying and dangerous corrosion on vital safety components! First, the horrifying problems. In other news, I am officially old. For the first time in my life, I paid actual, real money in order to make my vehicle quieter. I bought a new […]
A Lover’s Guide to Daecheong Lake
Woe be unto lovers. Who has not, upon visitng the same theater for the eighteenth time, grown weary of their love? Who, groaning and gnashing teeth, has not spent sleepless nights asking “how might I spice up date night?” Surely there are few who, casting their eyes upon Pizza Hut’s “Deluxe” buffet for the sixth […]
Ben Garrido's Author Page 