Epic Delicacies of Korea

 

Since legends of my kindness are are told from the shimmering seas of Berlin west to the deserts of Brasilia, north to the snow capped peaks of Nebraska and South to the sweltering rainforests of Patagonia, since my genius shines benevolent inspiration upon physicist and taxidermist alike, since all men of women born sing songs of my modesty – in honor of my own extreme grooviness, I present to you the most influential guide to whatever Korean food I happened to have photographed in the history of mankind.

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This is the source from which most Korean deliciousness springs. Within these sacred vessels red pepper ferments with rice and vinegar to create “gochujang,” soy and spices mingle to create the delicious “dwinjang” and, of course, cabbage, ginger, sliced carrots, salt and shrimp unite in a culinary symphony known as kimchi. Should you happen upon these containers, venture into that home loudly commanding “render unto me thy fermented ambrosia.” Or you could say please.

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Herein, lay your eyes upon the nourishment derived from the previously mentioned fermentation pots. In front of the legendary warrior Tom is a stone pot filled with “dwinjang soup.” Smooth, savoury and a little bit spicy, dwinjang soup is one of the most universally popular dishes in Korea. To the right, international spy Anna poses her sharpened assassination chopsticks over fermented cucumbers, kimchi and a delightful dish of gochujang-covered calamari.

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Beyond glorious fermentation, the renown of Korean food arises from its embrace of the arts of side dishes. Look upon the variety, all ye who enter my site, and despair.

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Second only to kimchi in renown in the Korean culinary pantheon, the great fame of bibimbap derives from its enchanted ability to be both unbelievably rich, savory and delicious while also doubling as effective diet food. The ingredients vary by establishment and cook, but in this particularly fine example of the type, you can see gochujang, an egg, sliced carrots, roasted and shreded seaweed, fermented cucumber, bean sprouts, spinach, ground beef and fermented ferns over a bed of steaming hot rice.

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Song is expected whenever the question of fish and kimchi stew arises.

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Whilst on the topic of seafood, this is “kalguksu” with shell fish. A rule absolute and unyielding is that, when within sight of the ocean, order the damned seafood. The expression upon Hyle’s face is both natural and expected in this scenario.

This is a seasquirt, severed and repurposed as a shot glass. It is beyond the abilities of mere men to overstate the delightfulness of such a thing.

This is a seasquirt, severed and repurposed as a shot glass. It is beyond the abilities of mere men to overstate the delightfulness of such a thing.

And do not think "hwey" (Korean sushi) confined to the ocean. Here we see fine beef, lightly seared, served over rice.

And do not think “hwey” (Korean sushi) confined to the ocean. Here we see fine beef, lightly seared, served over rice and peanut sauce.

That westerns do not typically think it wise to cut holes in their tables and BBQ thus causes me to despair. That such succulent meats should appear in only half the world's dining rooms speaks ill of our future as a species.

That the great nations of the west do not typically think it wise to cut holes in their tables and BBQ thus causes me to despair. That such succulent meats should appear in only half the world’s dining rooms speaks ill of our future as a species.

My sister and I demonstrate the proper manner of those satiated with savory goodness, enjoying fine tea after the feast.

My sister and I demonstrate the proper manner of those satiated with savory goodness, enjoying fine tea after the feast.

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